The Art of Being Brillant: Changing Lives
Revolutions begin with modest steps. After a while, those steps become strides and then leaps, the momentum changes set patterns and a new reality appears. This is the way it works for LGBT related issues. The more people are aware about the challenges faced by LGBT persons, the better it gets. Because at the end it does get better, just as described in the
that was launched by Dan Savage and his husband Terry, in 2010.
I’ve taken a while to pen this article as this story touches my heart deeply.
In the last few months my life has been in transition, from being a full-time student to working as an employee. Throughout this time, I have been reflecting on who I am now and what I felt as a young teen in the closet, when I thought every day was worse than the last one
Inspirational stories come and go and mf the time, they seem to evaporate from people’s minds as new “shinier” stories take the place of previous ones.
When individuals ask me what my top ranked inspirational book is, I always say Coming out to play.
My mom gifted me with this truth-telling story, right after my own coming out in September 2014. Crap, it has been a while already. A lot has changed and a lot hasn’t. I’m still the same guy that I was before, I just smile and laugh way easier now. No serious relationship yet but I have fallen in love, it was not the right situation at the time but I have felt those feelings.
It has been quite a journey that has propelled me into this new wonderful life and new circle of friends.
Everyone in my new circle of friends is judgement free and there is a sentiment of unconditional acceptance among us. The positive vibes are sometimes overwhelming and make me feel as if I am undeserving of all of this after being so alone for so long.
They claim that the meaning of life lives deep inside us. Only when we think about it, can we evolve. This is what joy looks like? Who knew?
Like Jason Collins, public LGBT figures make life easier for youth. I didn’t know who Ryan O’Callaghan was before 2017. Don’t get me wrong, I love sports, but basketball, football and baseball aren’t sports that I can easily relate to. Now tennis and hockey, that is another story! I am glued to the tv whenever the McEnroe brothers are giving their commentaries during a Grand-Slam final. I’ll be on the edge of my seat when the Ottawa Senators (I know, don’t judge me) are making a run for the Stanley Cup.
Ryan has so much to be proud of. His new book, My Life on the Line, co-written with Cyd Zeigler, an LGBTQ sports writer for Outsports, will change lives. I know it’s cheesy, but I’m cheesy and I admit it.
Anyone who feels alone and thinks that ending it all is the solution needs to put their hands on this book. This ex-footballer publicly came out in 2017, with an article in Outsports. He wasn’t the best known in the NFL, in part because front liners tacklers never get the same attention as will quarterbacks, like Tom Brady. But he was still was an essential player every time he stepped on the field, partly to safeguard the quarterback from injuries.
Courage is defined as the capability to change mentalities.
O’Callaghan played in the NFL, as an offensive tackler, from 2006 to 2010, for both the New England Patriots and the Kansas City Chiefs. It was in 2006, during the Draft Pick, that he got the most important phone call of his life, from the New England Patriots coach.
In his book, the football player from Redding, California, opens up about his most depressing moments including when he became addicted to pain killers while on the sidelines because of multiple injuries. “I would do anything not to feel as myself ”, he said during an interview on the Today show.
“Growing up, I never heard anything positive. Kids hear everything their family and loves one say, I always say to parents, be kind, watch your mouth, cause you don’t know whose listening, you could be doing some damage”, said O’Callaghan.
It didn’t help him that the town where he grew up was a republican and Christian bastion. Pot became a good way to cope with excessive pains from physical traumatism.
The moments when he felt the most depressed came during the off-seasons when he wasn’t as busy and had more time on his hands to think about himself and his colossal secret.
Considered a huge career accomplishment, he even got into a Super Bowl finale with the Patriots. When you come that far, you obviously want to win, so that must have been a let down for the entire team to only go home with a second-place ring.
To make a difficult situation even worse, he was also extremely depressed and in a perpetual state of loneliness before opening himself to family members and the world. Being the macho man on teams and throughout his academic path was something that he achieved pretty well and it made the situation even more complicated.
After so many years of keeping the secret he had a plan to end his life after football and even prepared a suicide letter. His plan was simple. After finishing his football career he would go to his home and open his gun cabinet and shoot himself in the head to put an end to the torment. At first, he didn’t think he had the potential to end up in the NFL and in Ryan’s mind, that option gave him more time alive, by not delaying the suicide option.
He often had injuries and couldn’t play and felt he needed a companion. A dog became his reason to not give up on life.
Sometimes you can change your circumstances by just be being yourself and being truthful. That’s why the subtitle of this book, how the NFL damn near killed me, and ended up saving my life, is so true and pertinent. We like to believe that the darkest moments are always followed by sunny ways, like Wilfrid Laurier once said “Hardest defeats make you evolve; and not the opposite.”
Ryan also admitted never having a passion for football. According to Ryan, it was his “beard.” Playing the sport was sort of a protective shield that he put around himself to prove others that he wasn’t attracted to men.
In High School, he knew early on that he had the skills to end up as a professional.
He first came out to family members before he made it public which makes sense when you’re still in the process of loving yourself for who you are.
Repressing all those feelings is not an easy task. And it’s not because you come out that you are perfect and cured the next day. As Ryan explains, loving yourself is a long process. To our discouragement, it doesn’t happen overnight. When it does, it’s the best feeling in the entire world- even though there are always ups and downs.
He felt better about himself when he heard about the coming out of Ellen DeGeneres. Her public coming out changed a lot of things (one of those strides I mentioned at the beginning of the article) not only for popular American culture and mass media, but also helped to increase the profiles of gay and lesbian characters and actors. It helped people to come out to friends and family members.
While playing, Ryan was scared of being caught and that teammates, friends and family would discover his kept secret.” My biggest fear was getting caught, I would train myself : don’t say this, don’t say that, look here, look there “, said O’Callaghan to Cyd Zeigler. “ I just didn’t think anyone would ever accept me.”
“Being with anyone is exhausting. I have to be “on” all the time, constantly building the character I am playing in my own life, burying my deep, dark secret for the fun-loving, rich NFL playing living out all of the fantasies of his fake adult life”, said O’Callaghan in the book, reminiscing on his constant life before coming out. This constant on guard attitude was relaxed when he played in the big leagues, since teammates were more professional than in high school or at college.
Playing for the Chiefs required Ryan to be more vigilant about hiding his sexual orientation. He would never think about coming out to his teammates, in part because the coach was constantly using the expression “no homo.” Like Ryan writes in My Life on the Line “Do your job. Ignore the noise. Put the team first.” It was a football mantra that everyone followed.
Growing up in a conservative town must have been so lonely, he wasn’t exposed to diversities that the world has to offer. Diversity is a factor that promotes the evolution of emotional intelligence.
Saying “I’m gay” for the first time was hard for O’Callaghan. Before telling my family, I was struggling to find the right words for my coming out. I was unable to say that I was gay. I told them, plain and simple, that I wasn’t attracted to women. I told them that I would never bring a woman back home.
My Life on the Line is worth reading. Often, tears were streaming down my face. It’s authentic, personal and promotes introspection. Ryan O’Callaghan writes with so much passion and delicacy that you can feel what he experienced during those struggling years. This book resonates so well with my own story, competitive ski racing all throughout High School and being a part of a team. Many nights were spent crying alone and feeling that there was something broken in me. As I watched stories of coming out my emotions and my courage were growing stronger inside me.
I was constantly practising what to say if someone asked me if I was gay. My mom did ask me before I came out and I told her “No Way, why would I be gay”, all the while laughing at the situation.
The art of changing lives will never be taught. It is only something you can live. It isn’t about one person you know coming out, it’s about the freedom of spirit to be true to who you are. It’s about opening the world to diversity: love and acceptance. Just like when Caitlyn Jenner came out as trans in 2015. Just like when Michael Sam got drafted by an NFL team. Just like when Pete Buttigieg showed the entire world that anyone, anyone, has a shot in becoming the president of the United States.
Lots of accomplished work behind us, but lots more to cover, all together, more united as before. We can feel how emotional and hard it must have been when Ryan first told someone out loud that he was gay, it was a clinical psychologist recommended by the Chiefs organization when the NFL player was 28 years old. Before, not a single person in the world but him knew his secret.
Afterwards, he came out to friends and family. His best friend Brian had the best possible reaction Ryan could have ever dreamed of. And, on a positive note, he didn’t have the negative aftereffects that he had expected.
He ended up finally losing his relationship with Brian as well as the relationship with his long-time friend Aaron Rogers. Who knows if it’s because he came out as gay? Sure thing, friendships lost means other gained.
There is still lots to be done until the pivotal moment when the LGBT community receives equal treatment. This is something that I will continue to contribute to do. All of us can do our part to ensure that all humans are treated with dignity and respect. Life means loving who you are and surrounding yourself with those that have positive energy.
Over the past few years, a lot of professional athletes have talked about their sexual orientation. Jason Collins, who played 13 seasons in the NBA, came out in 2013, the first male athlete from one of the four major North American professional team sports to come out while still playing his sport. Just a few months before, Robbie Rogers, an MLS soccer player, came out and stepped away from his career right after.
Even though a lot of professional female athletes have come out, it still remains largely uncharted territory for men, especially those in team sports. On a positive reminder, over the past few years a good bunch of athletes have come out after retiring, including Esera Tuaolo (10-year NFL player) who came out as gay back in 2002.
Now 36, Ryan O’Callaghan is living his best life. Most of all, he has given himself a chance and given a purpose to existence, as we should all do. And most importantly, we will never hear too many stories like O’Callaghan’s until there is not more bullying and discrimination based on sexual orientation.
“Just remember; someone loves everything you hate about yourself.”- Frank Ocean
This quote from my favourite entertainer makes me numb and brings me back to feelings from the past. You think nothing will sort itself out and suddenly it does and you find yourself loving the person you see in the mirror every morning. You accept who you are and end up becoming the best version of yourself.
We can all be us. Not someone who looks for more in someone else. We all bloom, just like flowers in early spring after a freezing winter. Some are early bloomers, some are late. We should count ourselves lucky that we even have the possibility to bloom and flourish - we are here, and if you’re reading this, you are breathing. The first step is always the toughest.
Next step, call a friend, go have drinks with him. Get drunk and dance all night long. End up finishing your night in a cheap fast-food restaurant. Only then will you fathom livingness, what it has to offer and know that you are great just the way you are.
The ex-NFL athlete has started a charity, the Ryan O’Callaghan foundation (ROFDN), who provides scholarships to talented LGBT students, athletes and youth. Way to go! Such a neat initiative that changes so much. The world is becoming a better world. Somewhere worth investing our time.
Outsports
Launched by Cyd Zeigler and Jim Buzinski, in 1999, Outsports is an LGBT dedicated sports news websites. A section on his website is dedicated to coming out stories from professional and amateur athletes.
